The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize