One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
