i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
