i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
