Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
