my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
