Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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