Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
