I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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