Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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