I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
