It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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