If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
