So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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