He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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