i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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