And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
