i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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