Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
