WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
