if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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