My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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