i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
