Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
God I need to hump something, right now.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
