upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
