I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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