Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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