Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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