You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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