in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
