Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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