If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
