apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
