I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
