Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
