He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
