Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
