I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Randomize
