woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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