life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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