Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
