Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
