seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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