Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
