If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
