dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
