Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
