I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
