It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Is Oprah even human
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
