you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
