Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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