The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
