I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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