when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
