I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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