dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
