how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
