Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
