Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
