I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
