I looked at my own cervix.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
