I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
