remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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