Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
