from now on my penis is your penis
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
