and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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